A Prasetya Modana’s
Ramadan Ini
Ramadan ini aku jatuh hati
Pada senyum setipis embun pagi
Pada sapa sehangat matahari
Dan pada kata-kata bagai air mengalir pergi
Ramadan ini aku tak lagi merasa sendiri
Bersama air mata yang menetes sunyi
Bersama malam yang terdiam sepi
Atau bulan yang malu-malu menepi
Ramadan ini aku sedang bermimpi…
(a very short fiction story)
Karolina opened the door quietly so that it wouldn’t make any sound. She came home late today because she had to practice for her piano concert next week. She didn’t want to wake her father up from his sleep. He often had trouble to sleep at night, so if he had slept, it had always been better to keep him that way. His brother, Ernesto, had gone for almost 2 months now. Last month was his last call. He said he was at Cusco. God only knows what he had been doing all this time – but she bet that he climbed the Andes. Tonight, she was accompanied by Alberto, who would play the violin.
“Come on in, Alberto… But watch your step, alrite?” she said, almost like a whisper.
“Should I? I mean, i dont have to!” he was still standing in front of the door.
“Dont be ridiculous, Al. You drove me home! At least you cant miss a cup of coffee. My father always have the best coffee”
“Just for the coffee, okay? And it should be bold, no sugar”
“That would be great…”
But as they walked through the hallway, the heard a sound of the piano. Karolina hissed, she knew her father wasn’t asleep then, but she didn’t want to disturb his playing too. It was Chopin’s Nocturne op. 9 no. 2. The piece that her father always played, ah, he could only play this one.
“Let sit here first” Karolina said to Alberto. They sat on the floor. Karolina lighted up a cigarrette.
Their house was a small but pretty house. And nothing extraordinary in that house, except a big paintings of Bob Dylan in one side of his father library’s wall. But, her father put the piano in a special place. It’s in the middle of the house,so where when somebody played it, the the sound could be heared all over the house, perfectly. He loved the piano, especially when her mother played it. Her father always wanted to hear her mother played, wherever he was. It looked to her as if the house was build for the piano – that old-black Steinway piano.
“Your father playing this?”
“He is”
“I thought you said he couldn’t play any music! But this is great… i could feel the emotion”, he laughed quietly, “he plays even better than you!”
“He started to learn this piece 5 years ago. I tought him this, you know…”, she took a deep breath, “but you can still see the flaws here and there. I can play this better. But like you said, no one plays with this kind of feeling”
“Yeah? Well, that’s brilliant. I mean, with his age…”
“Yeah…”
“So, what made him learning this?”
“Ah that…”, she paused. She closed her eyes as he father played the last part of the song. Alberto knew he couldn’t push her now, so he too closed his eyes and enjoy the music. Yes, there are flaws, he thought. And when the sound stopped, Karolina heard his father walked down to his room and closed the door. They opened their eyes.
“So?”, Alberto asked.
“That was my mother’s death…”
The Chopin’s Nocturne has been playing for a few times as i lied down on the ship’s rooftop when she jumped in cautiously and sat beside me. I moved a little to give her more space. The ship was struglling to be stable. The sea was nothing but a darkest of your view; calm but as deadly as always, especially if you fell from a ship’s rooftop and you couldn’t swim. She couldn’t. The night wasn’t so windy to call it a perfect night.
“I’m affraid,” she said.
“don’t be”
“it is wet here”
I lied again and yes the rooftop was wet. It was because of the dew. I asked her to lied down too but she hesitated. She looked up to the brilliant sky with the brightest stars we’ve ever seen in our whole life. I noticed that she liked the stars much, because at first she was uncomfortable about living in a ship – being nauseaus all the time plus the fact that she really couldn’t swin if something happened, but then she could sat on the front of the ship for hours looking at the stars blinking at her while moving her feet continuously which made her like a child (i loved it when she did this). And here she was, on the rooftop.
“you’ll hurt your neck if you stay like that, beside the view is better if you lie down,” i continued, “just lie here, and think of nothing”
She finally agreed and lied down beside me. The Southern Cross was in our feet’s direction. I had turned my iPod down since she got here. I turned it on again. I didn’t like sharing my earphone with someone,because for me, you must hear the music with your both ears. But this time, i offered the right side for her.
“try it. Nothing better than watching the stars and listen to this. It is one of only 2 of my favorite songs”
Some people said that Chopin’s Nocturne opus 9 no 2 was quite easy to be played, but the hardest part which only few could did it was to make it sounds like the night. And the one in my iPod was maybe the best Nocturne i’ve ever heard. So melancholic. And i never felt bored.
“look those 3 stars,” i said. “the one in the middle is red”
“yes..”
“and the other 5 which made the C shape..”
“…”
“Stefano said it was Scorpion”
“ah..”
And suddenly i saw a falling star. I screamed. I never saw one. Ever. And then another one. And the she saw one too, and then another and another. We cought a lot of falling stars that night as we spoke in silence, just like what nature did to us but we never listened.
And somehow, a lyric came suddenly. A woman sang this very beautifully.
Quiet nights of quiet stars, quiet chords from my guitar. Floating on the silence that surounds us. Quiet songs and quiet dreams. Quiet walk by quiet street. And the window that looks out on Corcovado, oh how lovely.
This is where to be. Here with you so close to me. Till the final flicker of life embers. I, who was lost and lonely, believing that life was only a bitter tragic joke i found with you. A meaning of existence, my love.
Definetly the best night of my life.
My partner recently said that i wasn’t the romantic type at all. *silent sigh*, i’ve heard of it too many times. Haha. They said i was ignorant and so full of my self. Thats true, in some parts. I answered to her, “i’m romantic in my on specific way”, and laughed. She asked for an example, i didn’t give her, i mean it wasn’t going to be answered anyway.
So, what is romance? Does it have any criteria to be fulfilled? I think (as always), romantisme itu ga sama antara orang yang satu dan yang lain. We always have our own preferencies about what romance is. Does it always have something to do with flowers? Words of love? Mungkin ini semua berhubungan dengan 5 Love Expressions yang saya tulis beberapa waktu yang lalu.
Mengapa saya menulis ini? Saya tidak tahu pasti. Mungkin saya Cuma ingin bercerita saja. Dan buat saya romantisme selalu muncul pada saat2 yang aneh yang mungkin pasangan saya sendiri tidak sadar bahwa dia telah berbuat sesuatu yang menurut saya sangat romantis. Suatu ketika saya pernah meminta dia untuk online dan menemani saya karena saat itu saya sedang banyak kerjaan yang mengharuskan saya di belakang komputer utk waktu yang lama. Dengan begitu, akan lebih mudah untuk saya menghubungi dia buat ngobrol dan membuat saya merasa tidak sendiri. Melihat sebuah lingkaran hijau di layar facebook saya membuat saya merasa lebih nyaman. Setelah berbincang-bincang sebentar, i asked, “what do you want to talk about?”. Saya Cuma ingin dia juga merasa ditemani. Jawabannya: “its okay dear. Do your work. I just want you to know that i’m here”. Damn… thats was romantic, for me… mungkin engga buat orang lain.
Suatu saat yang lain, dulu, tengah malam, saya berada di BSD karena abis nganterin seorang teman, sendirian. Saya benar2 tidak mengenal daerah ini dan waktu yang sudah lewat tengah malam membuat saya sedikit ngeri. Sedikit juga orang di jalan untuk ditanya. I called my mom. She was still awake (she always stays awake when one of her boys is still out there. Satu hal yang buat gue, priceless bgt). I asked for direction and she answered. Saya perlu teman. Saya ngantuk, dan saya takut. Dan saya menelpon wanita ini, dengan sedikit berharap dia masih bangun. Kemungkinan itu kecil. Ini sudah malam, dan dia tidak biasa tidur malam bila tak ada alasan penting. *ring ring*, and she answered!! (fyi, she always silent her cellphone!!) Saya bertanya apa yang menyebabkan dia bangun jam segini. Dia terdengar bete. Akhirnya saya mendapatkan jawaban. “i never like you coming home this late”, she continued, “i cant sleep knowing you’re not home yet”. *dar!* i shivered hearing that reason. “i always like this when you or papa come home late. I hate it”, she sounded quite mad, but lovely. That time, i knew, 2 women would stay awake with me anytime. That was romantic.
*sometime i need your body next to mine, i could draw us imaginary lines. Just dont breath, i dont need your elegy. I’m falling out of bed not out of love. I know you understand* (Imaginary Lines – Badly Drawn Boys)
When in some times, i felt i was being romantic, but it would be ridiculous to write it here. Hahaha. I mean, based on my story above, you know there’s a lot of way to be romantic…
Sayonara!
hubungan gue mungkin benar2 berada di kondisi kritis. in a lot of way i cannot understand, the things are getting more complicated, more difficult than before. we criticized a lot to each other these days. for me, she was more and more emotional and bad tempered than before. everything could upset her. gue yang telat bales sms, salah kirim, tentang nelp, apa aja lah.
today she said that the ship wasn’t enjoyable anymore. that everything had come to be routine. that every message was just like something we had to send. i only answered, “yes, it is.” mind you, bagaimana bisa kita menikmati saat2 ketika kita sendiri dalam keadaan seperti ini. maksud gue, ketika kita berdua dalam keadaan tidak nyaman dan saling menyalahkan satu sama lain terhadap apa yang terjadi. dan lalu, Chawpi Tuta menyebutkan bahwa gue mulai kelihatan tidak serius lagi. gue ga pernah ngajak ngobrol lama lagi, ga pernah nelpon lama lagi. gue frustasi rasanya. couldn’t she realized?? bagaimana mungkin gue nyaman nelp dia kalo jawabannya hanya sepatah dua patah kata, bahkan ga diangkat. bagaimana mungkin kita ngobrol panjang lebar tentang banyak hal, ketika kita tidak pernah tersenyum satu sama lain. bagaimana itu mungkin????
gue kesel banget! seakan2 semua ini salah gue. seakan2 bila ada yang merasa tidak yakin, itu adalah gue. gue udah bilang ama dia, hilangkan semua kemarahan dan kebencian yang mungkin ga dia sadar terhadap gue. eh, malah marah. padahal, gue berpikir, sepertinya dia memang menyalahkan gue untuk hubungan ini. dia menyalahkan ketidaknyamanan ini pada gue.
ketika dia menjadi bt terhadap sesuatu, maka itu akan berlangsung lllaaaammmmaaaa, minimal 3 hari, dia akan bersikap super galak, menyindir, dan menjawab sms hanya kata per kata. salah gue kalo gue juga merasa ketidaknyamanan dalam sms dia? dalam 3 hari itu, banyak hal bisa terjadi, misalnya betapa kesalnya gue ketika ga lulus ujian pre test. salah gue kalo gue ga bisa cerita sama dia karena dia lagi bt??
at the moment, gue lagi smsan. ngomongin apa yang mesti dilakukan. dan gue ga tau apa yang masih bisa diselamatkan dari hubungan ini kalo dia masih juga seperti ini. gue emang bukan pacar yang baik. jauh malah. gue terlalu cuek dari yang mungkin dia harapkan. dan mungkin kurang sabar. dan sedikit cerewet. tapi gue udahberusaha keras untuk itu, gue udah berusaha sangat sabar. tapi, kalo cara dia melampiaskan kemarahan dalam hatinya masih seperti ini, gue ga yakin apa gue sanggup.
gue ga bisa ngebayangin hidup tanpa dia. cuma hidup dengan dia dengan keadaan yang sekarang juga membunuh gue.
gue ga tau…
hari ini adalah hari yang melelahkan buat gue. hati, pikiran, perasaan, fisik. di satu sisi, gue sedang dalam diet gila untuk pemeriksaan besok. dari pagi gue ga boleh makan apa-apa selain bubur kecap, roti tawar, dan marie regal. dengan minum air putih, teh, dan susu aja. ga boleh buah, ga boleh kopi, ga boleh nasi, daging apalagi. dan diet gila ini berlangsung 36 jam dengan tambahan 3 kali pemberian garam inggris!! gue ga usah cerita kan gimana lemesnya gue saat nulis ini, yang bersamaan dengan keluarga gue ninggalin gue sendiri untuk makan malam bersama. huh!
di sisi yang lain, perasaan gue juga sama terkurasnya dengan energi gue. out of nothing Chawpi Tuta mengatakan bahwa sang ibu tidak suka sama gue. gue ga tegas lah, cara salaman gue yang ga mantep lah, cara gue ngasih hadiah lah, semua. pada akhirnya semua ini ditegaskan dengan kata2 “ga sreg”, “feeling”, yang tidak bisa dijelaskan. Chawpi Tuta seakan disuruh memilih antara gue dan ibu-nya. keadaan yang tidak adil dan berat sebelah. setidaknya menurut gue.
seandainya saja beliau udah memberi gue kesempatan yang cukup untuk gue menunjukkan diri gue, mungkin gue bisa lebih rela. tapi beliau bahkan belum pernah bertukar pendapat dengan gue, bagaimana mungkin gue bisa dinilai tidak tegas? gue merasa dijudge tanpa kesempatan membela diri.
untung saja, pada akhirnya Chawpi Tuta memutuskan untuk tetap menjalani ini, tapi dengan ga ketemuan. artinya gue pacaran jarak jauh padahal rumah gue cuma berjarak 15km. for me its good enough. i cant expect more, i suppose.
pada dasarnya gue emang ga bisa membayangkan hidup tanpa dia. the way we talk, share thought. kalo kata dave mathews band “the space between the tears we cry is the laughter keep us coming back for more”..
well, i believe everything happens for a reason. if i didnt meant to her, why did we ever met on the first place? i try to be optimistic, maybe, the one i am now, will not be a good husband, a good father, a good and supportive partner. maybe, she wont be a good wife too, yet. semua masalah ini, yang semakin berat ini, gue yakin, hanya untuk membuat kami lebih baik lagi. or…am i dreaming??
Belakangan ini, gue benar-benar dibuat stres oleh penelitian IKK. Bagaimana tidak, bahkan setelah memasuki bagian baru, Radiologi, selama 1 minggu, kami sekelompok masih saja dicerca habis-habisan dari segala sisi menyangkut laporan penelitian kami.
Ini juga sih mungkin akibatnya ketika secara diterima atau tidak, kelompok gue terdiri dari manusia-manusia yang ambisius, perfeksionis, jujur. Huh! Bayangkan saja, konsep penelitian pun dibuat semenjelimet mungkin, yang menurut gue, ga mungkin orang yang baca bisa ngerti tanpa salah satu dari kelompok gue menjelaskannya.
Akhirnya, dosen pembimbing materi gue, marah. Gara2 kelompok gue terlalu resisten pada omongan gue, nganggep diri udah pada pinter semua. Dosen pembimbing statistik ga jelas. Sok sibuk. Histerikal. Basi! Ketua kelompok marah2, tersinggung karena selalu disalahin anak buahnya (walaupun bercanda sih), anak buah makin males, frustasi, kerjaan ga selesai2.
Tapi ada hal menarik di kelompok gue dalam hal anggota kelompok yang mempunyai pacar (tidak termasuk gue dan seorang teman). Dari 8 orang, 4 orang ini selalu mempunyai telepon genggam yang menyala tanpa batasan waktu. Si ketua kelompok bisa 1 jam sekali ditelp atau menelp pacarnya, temen yang satu lagi bahkan setiap ada waktu kosong. Gila! Yang satu lagi, pacarnya seperti ga punya kerjaan lain (padahal sama-sama anak kedokteran. Tingkat 6 pula!), dimana2 selalu ada, anter jemput, bantuin bikin Excell, bantuin pasang ini itu, ikut rapat kelompok. Wow, it was disturbing!
Penting ga sih elo dan pacar lo berkomunikasi secara berlebihan seperti itu? Menurut gue, engga loh. Gue bingung sih mungkin, apa aja sih yang diomongin kalo tiap jam nelp. Kalo seharian gitu terus, apa ntar malem masih bisa ada omongan? Atau yang diomongin basi semua?
“kamu udah makan yang?”, “udah, kamu?”, “udah solat yang?”, “udah, kamu?”
Yah mungkin juga sih kalo gitu. Hehehe. Tapi kuantitas kan tidak menunjukkan kualitas bukan?
Bukannya gue mau bilang apa yang gue dan Chawpi Tuta lakukan adalah yang terbaik, tapi setidaknya menurut gue, komunikasi yang kita lakukan cukup efektif walaupun belum tentu ketemu tiap bulan. Ga Cuma nanya udah ini itu, kadang kita ngobrolin tentang musik, parenting, travelling, politic, keadaan sosial sekarang. Hal-hal kayak gini membuat partner lo membuka diri tentang apa yang ada di dalam otak mereka. Lo bisa tau jalan pikiran mereka, memahami kecenderungan perasaan mereka.
Yang temen gue (yang satu lagi, yang normal ga nelp2 terus) lakukan juga oke. Mereka orang2 yang menurut gue profesional, jadi ketika udah jam kuliah mereka kayak berada di dunia yang beda. Mereka fokus, dan mungkin hanya sesekali sms aja. Jadi ketika malem, lo bisa nanya: “hows your day, dear?”
And so the story goes…
